ENGLISH JOKES

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Apples
If you took 3 apples from a basket that held 12 apples, how many apples would you have?
3

Jump
What animal can jump higher than a house?
A house can't jump!

M
Why shouldn't you put the letter 'M' into the refrigerator?
Because it turns ice into mice!

Poison
A man was injected with a deadly poison, but it did not kill him. Why?
He was already dead!

28 Days
Which month has 28 days?
All of them

Letters
What starts with 'P', ends with 'E', and has millions of letters?
The 'Post Office'!

Longest Word?
What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles'. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

One Letter
What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?
Envelope!

T
Why is the letter 'T' like an island?
Because it is in the middle of water!

What Am I?
I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?
A liar!

What's Worse?
What's worse than finding a maggot in an apple?
Finding half a maggot!

Which Bus?
Which bus crossed the ocean?
Columbus!

Alexander and Kermit
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.

Black And White
What's black and white and red all over?
An embarassed zebra!

Elephant
What do you call an elephant that flies ?
A jumbo jet

Big Noses
Why do gorillas have big noses?
Because they have big fingers

Bird & Fly
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

Baseball Field
What goes all the way around a baseball field but never moves?
The fence

Chicken Chat
Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?"
A: He was studying foreign languages.

Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
 

Heaven & Hell

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

Birdie Poem
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

Barnyard Poem
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

Blonde NASA Engineer
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!"

A Meal To Die For
There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow I'll jump off this cliff!"

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!"

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!
It was the next day, and they all had to jump off as the Englishman had cheese the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman had jam!"
A week later, it was the funeral and the Scottish lady and the English lady said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like what we put in their sandwiches?"

And the Irish lady said, "I dont know why my husband jumped off the cliff he made his own sandwiches

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine. ( 7 ate 9 )

What is in the middle of New York City?
York.

What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops and the other stops the nose.

Why did the man throw butter out of the window?
To see a butterfly. (butter fly)

What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles - because there is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.

Why is the letter "T" like an island?
Because it is always in the middle of waTer.

What do you call a witch who lives in the desert?
A sandwich.

Why did the burglar take a bath?
So he could make a clean getaway.

What kind of ears does an engine have
Engineers

SPACE FOR A POINTED-STICK STORY
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered the ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem,NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Joan: "Do you have a good memory of faces?"
Peter: "Yes. Why?"
Joan: "I've just broken your shaving mirror."
(Thanks to Dilek Caymaz)

Carrots
One day a rabbit goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist: "Do you have any carrots?"
"We don't sell carrots. This is a pharmacy", replies the chemist.
The rabbit goes out but half an hour later the same rabbit comes in again and asks: "Do you have any carrots?"
The chemist answers reluctantly: "We never sell carrots, we sell medicine."
The rabbit does this again and again. Finally he asks the same question too many times and the chemist gets angry.
The chemist hits the rabbit and breaks some of the rabbit's teeth. The rabbit goes out crying.
Half an hour later the rabbit comes in again and asks: "Do you have any carrot juice?"

Two Russians
One Russian asks the other. "If you had two cars, would you give me
one?" The other one replies "Of course". The first one asks again "If you
had two horses, would you give me one?" The other one replies "Of course".
The first Russian asks third time "If you had two chickens, would you give
me one?" The other one replies "No". First Russian says "Why not?". The
other one says "Because I do have two chickens".

Son: "Dad, how do you say "je ne sais pas" in English?"
Father: "Err . . . . . . I don't know, my son.

Armenian Rocket Scientist
An American,a German, and an Armenian rocket scientist are discussing their respective countries' successes in space exploration. The American scientist says, "We are going to explore Mars." The German scientist says, "We are going to Venus." The Armenian scientist, "That's nothing, we
are going to the Sun!" The American and the German tell the Armenian "You can't do that, you'll burn up if you get too close." "Ha Ha, got you there", the Armenian scientist says', "we will go at night."

Mini Quiz: Are you qualified to be a profesional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a professional.

QUESTIONS
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
This tests your memory.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

ANSWERS
1. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
2. Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
3. Correct answer: The elephant.
The elphant is in refrigerator, remember
4. Correct answer: You swim across. Why?
All the crocodiles are attending The Animal Conference

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most prfessionals have the brains of a four year old.

BU İNGİLİZCE METNİ ANCAK TÜRKLER ANLAYABİLİR
Hasan was a very heavy headed boy. His father was a middle stationed man. To make his son read in good schools he did everything coming from his hand. He took everything to eye. His mother was a house woman. Every job used to come from her hand. In making food there was no one on top of her. The taste of the observations she made you eat your fingers. This woman made her hair a brush for her son. When Hasan became sick, she cried her two eyes two fountains. When Hasan finished lycee he wanted to be a tooth doctor, and he entered the university exams and won Tootherness School. In the school he met Jale. Hasan was hit to Jale in first look but Jale was not hit to him in the first look. However her blood boiled to him. A few weeks later they cooked the job. Jale's father was a money-father. He turned the corner many years ago by making dreamy export. But Jale was notlike her father. She was a very low hearted girl. Her father was wanting to make her marry to his soldierness friend's son Abdurrahim. Abdurrahim finished first school and didn't read later. He became a rough uncle. He started to turn dirty jobs when he was a crazy blooded man. He was his mother's eye. He said, "HIK" and he fell from his father's nose. So three under, five up he was like his father. When he saw Jale, he put eye to her. His inside went. His eyes opened like a fortune stone. To be able to see Jale, Hasan's inside was eating his inside. Finally, together they went to a park. When they were wrinkling in the park, Abdurrahim saw them. First he pulled a deep inside. And then his eyes turned. He couldn't control himself. He wanted to send them to the "village with wood", but he collected himself. He decided to leave them head to head. At that moment the devil poked him. He fit to the devil, pulled his gun and fired. However, a man passing stayed under lead rain and poorman went to who hit. He planted the horseshoes. Then the mirrorless' came. They took all of them under eye. Jale's inside was blood crying. The man died eye seeing seeing. And so, this job finished in the black arm.

CEVAP
Hasan çok ağırbaşlı bir çocuktu. Babası orta halli bir adamdı. Oğlunu en iyi okullarda okutabilmek için elinden gelen herşeyi yaptı. Herşeyi göze aldı. Annesi ev hanımıydı. Elinden her iş gelirdi. Yemek yapmakta üzerine yoktu. Yaptığı gözlemelerin tadından parmaklarınızı yersiniz. Bu kadın oğluna saçını süpürge etmişti. Hasan hastalandığında iki gözü iki çeşme ağlardı. Hasan liseyi bitirdiğinde diş doktoru olmak istiyordu, üniversite sınavına girdi ve Dişçilik Okulu'nu kazandı. Okulda Jale'yle tanıştı. Hasan Jale'ye ilk bakışta vurulmuştu fakat Jale Hasan'a ilk bakışta vurulmamıştı. Bununla birlikte kanı ona kaynamıştı. Jale'nin babası para babasıydı. Yıllar önce hayali ihracat yaparak köşeyi dönmüştü. Fakat Jale babasına benzemiyordu. Çok alçakgönüllü bir kızdı. Babası onu askerlik arkadaşının oğlu Abdurrahim'le evlendirmek istiyordu. Abdurrahim ilkokulu bitirmişti ve sonra okumamıştı. Kabadayı olmuştu. Delikanlıyken kirli işler çevirmeye başlamıştı. Anasının gözüydü. Hık demiş babasının burnundan düşmüştü. Yani üç aşağı, beş yukarı babası gibiydi. Jale'yi gördüğünde ona göz koydu. İçi gitti. Gözleri fal taşı gibi açıldı. Jale'yi görebilmek için Hasan'ın içi içini yiyordu. En sonunda birlikte parka gittiler. Abdurrahim onları parkta kırıştırırlarken gördü. Önce derin bir iç çekti. Ve sonra gözleri döndü. Kendini kontrol edemedi. Onları Tahtalıköye göndermek istedi fakat sonra kendini topladı. Onları baş başa bırakmaya karar verdi. O anda şeytan onu dürttü. Şeytana uydu, tabancasını çekti ve ateşledi. Ancak geçen bir adam kurşun yağmuru altında kaldı ve zavallı adam kim vurduya gitti. Nalları dikti. Sonra aynasızlar geldi. Hepsini gözaltına aldılar. Jale'nin içi kan ağlıyordu. Adam göz göre göre ölmüştü. Ve böylece bu iş karakolda bitti.

The man was laughing joining by joining
Adam katıla katıla gülüyordu

He is a his-hung-is-we-hung-his-cut-is-we-cut man
Astığı astık kestiği kestik bir adamdır

Urinate quickly, satan mixes
Acele işe şeytan karışır

John comes from Bosphorus
Can boğazdan gelir

What are you looking perpendicular perpendicular like that
Dik dik ne bakıyorsun öyle

Let's sit italic, let's talk correct
Egri oturalım, doğru konusalım

Bread from hand, water from lake
Ekmek elden, su gölden

He errected the horse shoes
nalları dikti

That my beautiful vase became ice with salt
O güzelim vazo tuzla buz oldu

We didn't pull little from his hand
Onun elinden az çekmedik

Your eye has become puspurple
Gözün mosmor olmuş

There is no saturation to her observations
Onun gözlemelerine doyum olmaz

man doesn't become from you
senden adam olmaz

enter the desk
sıraya gir

Master, give a dry on top of rice from there
Usta ordan bi pilav üstü kuru versene

How many letters are there in the English alphabet?
3 in 'the', 7 in 'English', and 8 in 'alphabet' : Total 18

If a man was born in Italy, went to America and died in San Francisco, what would he be?
Dead!

Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
Because they are not weekdays !

weekday (noun): Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Weekend = Saturday, Sunday. Weak (adjective) = not strong. Week and weak have the same pronunciation.

Who would win a race - Superman, an intelligent man or a woman?
The woman - the other two are fictional characters!!

Why are pianos difficult to open ?
Because the keys are inside.

What starts with "T", ends with "T" and is full of "T" ?
A teapot.

What is at the end of everything ?
The letter "G".

If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become ?
Wet.

Definition Of Pessimist
A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

optimist (n) : a person who always expects the best.
pessimist (n) : a person who always expects the worst.

MONEY

It can buy a house
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you a Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
It can buy you Sex

But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.

I tell you all this because I am your friend,
and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering......

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY PLEASE !!!!

+++

Peter: I felt so bad when I woke up this morning, that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
David: Oh really?! What happened ??
Peter: After the first two I felt better...

Just after the maid had been fired, she took out 10 dollars and gave it to the family dog, Rover. When her boss asked her why, she replied, " I never forget a friend. That was for helping me to clean the dishes all the time!"

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up this morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

A blonde goes out to her mail box, looks in, closes the door and goes back into her house.
A few minutes later she comes out, goes to her mail box, looks in, closes the door and goes back into her house.
She repeats this process several times before a neighbour, who has been watching her, says to her, "You must be expecting a very important letter or package today."
The blonde answers, "No, I'm working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Student: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am..."
Student: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Father: Why are you jumping on the bed, my boy?
Son: Because I forgot to mix my medicine with water when I took it.

Peter : What a strange pair of socks you are wearing; one is green and the other one is blue!
David : Yes it is really strange. I've got another pair at home that are exactly the same.

Mother: Do you want dinner?
Doughter: Sure, what are my choices?
Mother: Yes and no.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor looked over the fence.
Curious about what the young boy was doing, he politely asked, "What are you doing, Tim?".
"My goldfish died," Tim answered without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was confused. "That's a very big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" he asked.
Tim finished filling the hole and then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had been interested in his pictures which were in the gallery.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman asked about your work and wondered if it would become more expensive after you die. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The man who bought your paintings was your doctor."